Thursday, April 21, 2011

i lost myself... but Im trying to get back

Food for thought about myself...

I don't know about anybody else but I am 25 now.... eeekk 5 more years and I will be 30 shheesh time flys.... and when I was younger I thought 25 was old and I thought that when I was 25 my life would be different then it is now.

You know the life where you have love, a career job with good pay, and maybe starting a family or living in NYC.  BUT noppppe that's not my life....   Instead my LOVE life is pretty much a roller coaster, my CAREER job is  working in Los Angeles for a designer who doesn't pay to well and doing freelance work... aka not steady, I don't have kids because I some how don't have that female mothering feeling that most girls get, and instead of  NYC I am in  LA!...

Now you may think... ohhh Renee that's not that bad of a life!!!!  And its not-- don't get me wrong my life is exciting, believe me there are new and interesting things all the time. I am that girl who flys like the wind as my mother says!

I wonder to myself,  is it better to be business minded then creative?   To know what kind of career path you want to have... and have that drive that keeps you going. Or is a creative mind better because you have a free spirit.    If you know me at all you know I am def a free spirit... and with that I cant complain to much because being this way has brought me great things in life and has helped me grow and learn new things.  But it makes it hard for me to really narrow down what is the right career path for me.  I have so many things I am interested in that it seriously drives me crazy trying to figure out what I am meant to be doing.  Sometimes I wish I could be like my business minded friends who know what they want and they stay on that track.

Before LA I thought I knew what I wanted but being here for 5 years I feel that I lost myself and who I thought I wanted to be/do.  Los Angeles is a tough town when you are not from here and you either find yourself or lose yourself here.  I think I have lost myself more then found myself...   A friend said to me the other day--- What happened to the girl who had all these ideas and dreams??    I said I lost that girl.

I know my life is exciting... I have had wonderful opportunities that alot of ppl don't get and for that I am truly grateful!  But I want to make good money, travel, create something, model and what I want most is for doors to open and stop being bolted shut or slamming in my face.  What I need is to feel inspired again.

I am not that girl that dreams of being married and starting a family.... I am the girl who wants to live free and dream.  I want to see the world and learn, I want to have a exciting career and not be talked down to.  What I need is to get back to that girl I was before I moved to Los Angeles...



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